From Laughter to Desperation
by Desertfyre
Summary: Tag to 5x14- My Bloody Valentine. My version of what happens btw the Famine getting ganked and getting to the panic room. Some AngstLosthismindDeterminedSam, ProtectiveWearyDean and SupportiveCastiel
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own the boys or Castiel……

A.N: Wrote this yesterday. I really wanted to know what happened between Sam taking Famine out and getting to the panic room and this is what I came up with. I have quite a few ideas based on this episode. This eppie makes it into the top 3 of Season 5 so far.

PS: Hard time naming this story…..

Summary: Tag to 5x14- My Bloody Valentine. My version of what happens btw the Famine getting ganked and getting to the panic room. Some AngstLosthismindDeterminedSam, ProtectiveWearyDean and SupportiveCastiel

* * *

Sam looked at Dean, his familiar wounded puppy expression firmly in place. Castiel looked up taking in the surrounding with eyes no longer clouded by hunger. Dean was looking at Sam; his eyes could not stray from the blood on his mouth, dripping from his nose. Sam looked away but Dean caught the shame in his eyes before he did.

Castiel stood and glazed at each brother in turn. He felt this was a moment for the brothers yet standing there any longer was not going to get them anywhere. "We must go", he murmured walking over to the old man who was long dead and making sure to pocket the ring from his finger.

"Right, yeah", Dean cleared his throat, "Let's go, Sam. We've gotta swing by the motel pack our stuff and jet. The car is out back. Come on." He turned and proceeded to take a step, before turning back. The eldest knew his sibling was not following him.

"Sam?" he asked worry in his voice.

"I….." Sam couldn't say anything. What could he say? He was doing so well, but now he was back where he started. He stayed clean for so long, and now….all that was down the drain.

"Sammy?"

Sam felt rather than saw his brother come to stand within inches in front of him. After what his big brother just saw, he still called him that old nickname. There was something wrong about it. Dean should hate him. He slipped. He couldn't fight against it. After everything, demon blood still managed to find its way into his system. Sam felt something bubble within him. A snicker escaped him.

Dean took a meager step back. "Sammy?" he asked again after regaining himself. His younger brother's head was lowered, his hair shielding his expression, yet his shoulders shook slightly.

There is was again. This made the laughter pool from Sam's lips. It started quiet before escalating. It was borderline insane. Sam threw his head back and laughed; and for some reason he could not stop. It was hilarious really.

"Sam!" Dean darted forward and clutched his brother's biceps. "Snap out of it. What's wrong? Cas!" he barked. He went to look around for the angel but found him to be standing next to him, his face grim as he watch the younger Winchester lose it. "Cas….help me, what should I do? He's cracking!"

Castiel sighed once. "I see no cracks and you will not like my suggestion."

Dean ignored Castiel's ignorance. There would be a later time to remind Castiel what he meant, but right now his focus was Sam. "Spit it out, man." His eyes darted back nervously to his younger brother who somehow still managed to be laughing it out.

Castiel looked straight at Dean, "I suggest allowing him to detox again. The blood has gotten into his system and needs to come out. "

Dean would have punched Castiel if he wasn't busy trying hold onto his brother or if he knew his hand would be okay from the punch. It still tingled from the Cupid punch if he thought about it long enough.

Dean turned back to his brother. "Sammy, please man, calm down." If Sam didn't calm down soon, Dean was gonna start panicking and he hated to panic.

"Calm down!!" Sam laughed and pushed Dean away. Dean looked hurt as Sam continued, "Why should I? After everything……I tried so hard. I haven't drunk any blood in weeks and now…..now it's back to where it started."

He raised his hands to either side of his head, lowering his glaze as he bunched his hair up. Dean could still see the blood that Sam still had not wiped from his face and he was sorely tempted to do it for him. It was bothering him to see his younger brother like this.

"God, Dean….I……I didn't want to", Sam said, "I even told you to put me on lockdown and that didn't even work. They just handed over the demon and I couldn't……." His laughter was muffled. "Ha, I couldn't do it…….in the end it managed to defeat me again and I thought……haha." Laughter welled out of him again.

"Sammy, please get yourself together. Tell me what to do to help you", Dean pleaded. He was scared now.

Sam threw his head back, his hands still bunching up in his hair. He laughed breathlessly. Dean blinked his eyes, willing the moisture not to cloud his vision. "Sammy…. Please."

"You called me Sammy", Sam his head dropping down to meet Dean's face. His eyes looked crazed. He laughed again. "After what you just saw, you call me Sammy? WHY? WHY??" he yelled as his voice began to break.

Dean heard this change in Sam's voice. Sam's knees buckled and he dropped to the floor still clutching his head. Dean went down with him. Sam's shoulders shook but this time with a different reason. He heard the soft sobs come from his younger sibling.

"Sammy…." No longer able to resist he hooked his hand under his siblings chin and went to wiping his face. He needed to see this blood gone.

All of it.

"Here, use this", came a deep yet soft and concerned voice. Dean had forgotten about Castiel. He nodded his appreciation without taking his glaze off of his Sam as he took the offered cloth. Dean took his time not to hurt Sam as he wiped his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried so hard. I just…..I……."

"Shut up, Sam. This wasn't your fault. We did everything we could at the time. You did good, little brother." Dean spoke softly.

Sam looked up at him tentatively. His hands weren't clutching his head quite so tightly as a moment ago. He looked so hopeful it broke Dean's heart.

"You…..you aren't……" Sam looked away, pulling his face away from Dean's hands.

Dean didn't let him go far as he dropped the cloth and put his hands on Sam's shoulders. The blood was still in smears here and there on his face. Dean found it easier now that most of it was gone. "Hey…hey…." he shook him slightly, "Hey, look at me."

Sam did so after a moment, seeming to flinch every time his eyes met Dean's. "I'm not what?" Dean questioned, "What is going on it that head of yours?" He managed to force a concerned laugh at the question.

Sam shook his head. Dean shook him again. "Sam….Sammy, answer me……please?"

It was a moment before Sam tried again. "You aren't……" A long pause. "You aren't mad at me. You don't…….want me to….leave again. I drunk demon blood. I know how you feel about that."

Sam looked at Dean his eyes and voice pleading as he spoke fast trying to make his case. "I did try, Dean."

"Sam…" Dean tried to cut in.

Sam continued to ramble on, "I'm sorry….."

"Sam……"

"I know you didn't want me to, but I couldn't……I….."

"SAMMY!" Dean near yelled. Sam shut up immediately and lowered his glaze. Dean softened his voice. "You aren't going anywhere little brother, even if you wanted to. I won't lose you to this. You did good, little brother. You were responsible. You were the one you came to me when it began to get out of control. You were the one that suggested lockdown. You did not try to hide it from me. And for that I thank you. If it happens again, tell me. For all that is right, please tell me and we'll deal with it together like we always do and always will. Are you hearing me, Sam?"

"So you aren't mad…..not even when I……exorcised the demons? And got rid of Famine?" Sam asked his voice reminding Dean of that 5 year old from seeming lifetimes ago.

Dean took a moment to search within himself. He did not want to lie to Sam about this. He would not like. In this he would treat Sam with the same respect as Sam did him in telling him that he was craving blood once more.

When he found his answer he smirked once, "Well, I would have preferred that you did not use your power. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it and never will. But given the circumstances, I am not mad. I was worried man. I was worried that it would be like before but you handled yourself well. And the fact that you are going psycho-sad me…." At this a sound passed from Sam's lips that seemed a normal chuckle and it relieved Dean greatly, "says a lot about your state of mind regarding these powers. So no, I'm not mad and I wouldn't hold this against you, little brother."

Sam looked relieved, "Thank you…..Dean……thank you." He breathed.

Castiel looked back at them. After giving Dean the cloth, Castiel retreated to look out a window wanting to give them a semblance of privacy but he refused to leave them at the moment. "I suggest we leave now."

Dean nodded still looking at Sam. "Ready to go, Sam. You okay?"

"Yes, let's go", Sam nodded and unconsciously began to wipe his face.

They both stood and together with Castiel disappeared into the night.

* * *

For once there was silence in the car each lost in their own thoughts. And for once Castiel was riding with them in the backseat. After picking up their things from the hotel they sped out of town all of them eager to get as much distance between them and the town.

"Hey, Dean….." Sam didn't tear his glaze away from watching the scenery pass from the passenger window.

"Yeah…." Dean grunted.

"We should swing by Bobby's."

Dean tensed. He could sense where this was going and he didn't want to go there. "Why?" he asked coolly.

"I've got demon blood in me again Dean. Do I have to spell it out?", although it was suppose to be somewhat snarky it was said with no attitude, only quiet acceptance, "I need to detox. The sooner I get clean the sooner I can get back on track." Sam said with a sigh.

"Sam….." Dean warned.

"Sam is right, you know", a quiet voice spoke from the backseat.

"Zip it, Cas. Backseat riders have no say in present conversation. You are not helping matters", Dean growled. He paused to throw a glare in the rearview mirror at the angel for affect.

"Dean……"

"Sam, I watched you go through that before, do not make me do it again."

Sam looked at Dean's profile as he was watching the road with a frown on his face. "I wouldn't ask that of you, Dean. Just drop me off and I'll lock myself the panic room. Isn't Bobby off somewhere right now?"

"Darn it Sam", Dean smacked the steering wheel and half yelled, "Do you really think I would just dump you off and leave you there, by yourself?"

"I'm trying to give you options Dean", Sam spoke softly determined not to get riled by his brother's apparent frustration.

"Well, that ain't one, Sam", Dean growled.

Silence followed for a bit. Castiel watched the two with concern wondering what they were going to decide. It wouldn't be easy for either of them to go through it again, but it was necessary. But it wasn't his place to have a final say, so wisely he kept his mouth shut. He did not wish to incur the wrath of Dean Winchester.

Finally Dean sighed. "No, Sam, if you just feel the need to go, I'm coming with you. I won't let you just suffer by yourself. I'll be around."

Dean sounded weary and it worried Sam. Actually Dean had already acquired his worry, this only amplified it. Secretly he was glad that he would not have to do this alone. He didn't want to do this, but is the right thing to do and Sam was going to do the right thing.

* * *

Dean let them into Bobby's house. "Bobby said he'd be back tomorrow afternoon so we'll be alone for awhile", he said softly as Sam and Castiel stepped inside.

Dean looked at Castiel. "If you want to go, you can you know."

Castiel looked at Dean for a long moment making Sam look at the both of them. Finally he looked away from Dean and straight ahead in his usual manner. "I am not needed elsewhere at present moment."

Sam smiled at Castiel secretly thanking him. Dean did not need to be alone for awhile. And since he was going to be out of commission it was best that Castiel kept Dean company.

An oppressive air slowly fell over the company. They stood around each waiting for the other to make the first move. Sam sighed finally and turned to walk to the basement stairs. Dean followed him and Castiel after Dean. Sam walked down the steps. It creaked and seemed to mock the group. It felt as if they were all going to watch a hanging.

Sam stopped in front of the panic room door. He took a breath and shrugged out of his coat. He found that Dean took the jacket from him and Sam knew it was a silent gesture of support. Sam smiled reassuringly at Dean who looked much older then.

"This hasn't broken me yet, Dean and it won't. I won't let it", Sam promised looking at his brother.

Dean was silent a moment before he gave a force smile. "I know. I won't let it either, Sam."

Sam nodded and let out his breath. "Okay….." He stiffened and turned back to the door. With his head held high he opened the door and stepped through. With a last reassuring nodded to the duo he shut the door.

Dean stood staring at the door, clutching his brother's jacket. It was Castiel who locked the door with a flick of his hand before coming to stand next to Dean. "He will be okay, Dean. Both of you will make it through this."

Dean looked at Castiel. He looked so young yet so old at the same time. Dean knew that Castiel meant more than the present situation. "You think so?" he asked raggedly.

"I know it may look hopeless now, but yes, I do." Castiel answered turning to look at Dean.

Dean stared at Castiel. "I wish…..I could believe it as easy you do." He bit out and it shamed him to admit it.

Castiel look straight ahead at the door, yet he could feel Dean's searching eyes on him. "You've both had rough times Dean. And though the two of you may break down, sooner or later you pick up the pieces and keep going." He turned to look back at Dean, "That is why the both of you will make it because you persevere. I have never met humans that were as determined and driven as the two of you."

"I don't feel that way now", Dean confessed.

"I don't expect you to at this present time. But when it matters that is when you feel so."

Dean nodded slowly. There was some sense in Castiel's words.

* * *

It has been hours now, and Sam was still screaming. And each scream cut into Dean's already damaged soul. He could not take much more. The words that Castiel had spoken earlier had become but a memory. After all the events of late, it was taken a toll on him. He was trying to be strong but slowly that strength was dwindling. Castiel had not left their side opting to quietly stand by the panic room door and endure Sam's screams along with him. For a brief moment, Dean felt grateful to have someone there with him. Dean took at sip of alcohol and closed his eyes briefly hoping to wish away the situation they were in.

"It's not him in there", came a voice cutting into the screams. Castiel had not spoken since his words some hours earlier. "….not really."

"I know", came the torn words from Dean's mouth as he opened his eyes.

Castiel looked him concern evident in his glaze. He wanted to say something to make the young hunter feel better. He hated seeing Dean this broken. "Dean, Sam just has to get it out of his system and then he'll be….."

"Just, uh….." Dean cut in his, his words still soft. He didn't really want to hear about it. Didn't really want to deal with it anymore. "I just need to get some air." And with that he left.

Castiel watched Dean go. 'Please help them', he thought. 'They do not deserve such agony.'

Dean all but darted out the house and into the cool fresh night. Here he could escape the screams that were sure to haunt him for the next several nights. He walked up to the Impala and went to take a drink. He looked at the bottle. Even this no longer served his needs. He gently set the bottle on the hood of the Impala.

Tears that he has been holding back for the longest as of late, lingered in his eyes. He looked around and found himself looking up.

For Sammy he would ask. It wouldn't hurt to ask would it?

"Please…….I can't…. "

He paused.

"I need some help….."

.

.

.

.

.

"......_Please?_"

**Fin. **

* * *

A.N: Kinda no ending, except going back to how it ended in the episode. Some of it sorta wrote itself as I did not go into this with everything mapped out. I hope you enjoyed at least. I hope considering the situation they were somewhat in character.

I actually have an idea for a mini-fanfic about Dean at the end of this eppie so I plan to do that separately.

P.S. I really should probably be thinking about my art work for college but I needed a break and what better than writing this fanfic I had in my head. Relieves stress…..

I started some spin-offs of this fanfic based on the eppie so one could expect more fanfics. Seems I've got a mini-series going. lol


	2. Part of a series

The sequel to this story is now being uploaded. This is the first of part of a series based on 5x14 episode- My Bloody Valentine:

1. From Laughter to Desperation

2. Spin-off: Prayer of Desperation

3. Spin-off: Prayer of Concern

4. Sequel: Free to fix you and me

Although, it is not required to understand the sequel, the spin-offs are based on the first story. They help to get a line on how I figure the characters in question are handling the situation. The spin-off can be read in any order although the list is how I figure each story fits into the series. You could probably get away with reading the sequel separately but I alluded to feelings the characters feel in the first 3 stories before it.


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